The Diagnosis

In Winston-Salem I was diagnosed with major depression.

It was considered situational and not much background was asked for. They prescribed an anti-depressant....a really strong one. They sent me home after 4 days, with the antidepressant and 90 Xanex.

To say the place I'd just spent 4 days in is sub-par in the behavioral health community, is a bit of an understatement.

Fortunately, my therapist had the foresight to ask me to hand those Xanax over. He has been the one constant in this story. He keeps me anchored and is my biggest advocate. I could not ride this roller coaster without him.

So I took my pills and went to a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I was feeling pretty good by then and just kept feeling better and better and better. I didn't need sleep, I had tons of energy. My house had never been cleaner. At 3am one morning, I decided that I must go to Walmart to buy Draino....my sink wasn't draining fast enough for me.

And then it began to get ugly. I was quick-tempered, talking faster that the speed of light, spending money I didn't have, unreasonable.

My next behavioral health stay was in Charlotte....exactly 19 days after being sprung from the first one. I honestly don't remember the details of how I ended up there....but I know there were hallucinations involved. I'd been awake 7 days....straight. The first day or two is a blur in my memory.

Day 3 I remember rather well. I was pacing. I did a lot of that. The doctor asked if I'd like to sit down and I didn't want too. I felt that it was impolite to refuse, though. I was raised in the South, I didn't want to be impolite. :-)

He asked me to listen carefully, which was next to impossible to do, but I somehow I managed. He clarifies a diagnosis for me. "You have a disease called Bipolar Disorder. It used to be called Manic-Depression."

My response was a calm and mature,

"I DO NOT!!"

How did I end up in a place like this?

As long as I can remember I have been affected by deep, dark, seemingly inexplicable periods of depression. When I became a believer, I was 18 and I thought that would make it better. It didn't. I felt guilty. I was told that my life is good, I have no reason to be depressed. It will pass. It always did, eventually.

I almost didn't survive some of those times...but no one knew that part.

My depressions were always preceded or followed by periods of significant productivity. I was alert, full of ideas, confident, fun....and wow! I could get a lot done. Everyone likes this "me". Whenever I fell back into the darkness, I withdrew, kept my distance...tried to hang on until it was over.

So how did I end up in "that place" I described below. "That place" is in Winston-Salem, North Carolina and it took a violent tear in my reality to get there.

During my adult life, I had cocooned myself in as much safety as I could. I tried to find salvation/safety in my own strength. I married a big strong guy and I gave birth to my 4 beautiful children primarily because I wanted the family I never had. I homeschooled to keep us together and truth be known, so I could be watchful over them. I read books on being an excellent wife.

I tried really, really hard.

Guess what? That family blew apart. My big strong guy left. The shock and depression set in with a vengeance.

A cold winter night, an empty field and two bottles full of pills are what ultimately found me locked in that strange and terrifying place.

The Next Step

The Names Have Been Changed

Sunday, January 24, 2010

It's 3am and a nightmare woke me. Nothing new....except this is not my home. Where am I?!

I remember.

I want to go home.

I am afraid here.

I'm here with Richard, a homeless older man with a foul mouth and disposition. Richard is the keeper of the remote. The only place to be during the day has a television controlled by an old man who doesn't hear well. The noise is unbearable.

Maurice is a homeless black man who resembles Kramer from Seinfeld. He talks off his head. He tells me he's going to Mars because it's red and that's his favorite color. He will begin a new world and it will be beautiful.

Lane is an alcoholic being treated for depression. He is a bit of an oasis because he seems reasonably sane.

James doesn't talk...at least not to us.

Regina is here because her son committed suicide and she wants to join him...she is so sad and cries all the time.

Georgia is Bi-polar and an alcoholic. They call that dual-diagnosis and understand that the alcohol is self-medicating. She's on meds to help her with withdrawals and is what I now refer to as "zombified."

Finally, there's Audrey Rose, my roommate. She arrived last night...my second night here...unless you count the night I arrived...it was 3:30am. She is young and tough....but not really tough...if you know what I mean. She's a devastated child in a young woman's body. She's a cutter.

I'm beginning to get used to it here, but the fear has not left. There are men here. The room doors cannot be shut and the bathrooms have only curtains. The mirrors are nothing more than polished metal.....there are no pictures and no windows.....and yet, they gave Audrey Rose a "Patients Bill of Rights" booklet with staples in it. I know what she can do with staples.

It began here...

Writing for Healing

A new beginning...preparing a place. Writing as part of healing. Much healing is needed and putting it out here is terrifying.

My hope is that my journey, ugly at times, will encourage....give courage...to someone else.

It will be difficult. It will not be linear, but it will be truth. My truth. This will be my place where I will be free to be a glorious mess and I pray, to come out on the other side....

Warning. If you are linked to my blog....this will not be a place of family events and smiling pictures.

Those are part of my story.

However, this will be an uncomfortable story. Uncomfortable because I will open my heart and reveal the pain and a story that would rather stay hidden.

The time for hiding is over.

Just Got Nuthin' :-)

Hi Everyone!

If you are by any chance still stopping by my blog from time to time.....thank you. It's been quite awhile since my last post. I'm just checking in to say that for the time being I've really got nothing much to update. I'm not able to discuss many things that are going on right now. Please pray for my family including myself, my children and my father struggling with cancer.

I hope to get back to posting soon............Kate