House quiet, drinking detox tea, hoping it will cleanse the poison from my soul. Neck aches. Hate myself. Impatient with everything. Restless, energized but unfocused, sad, little, alone, overwhelmed, exhausted.
I want to ask for myself back. I believe this is not who I was supposed to be. I've seen too much of the other side to believe this is who I was created to be. I want better. I am afraid in this moment that it's not possible. I am weary of the poison identity.
I want to hurt myself just so I can feel something else. Mute screaming. Not panic, just a girl looking for a fight. I don't want to be soothed in this moment. I want to spit back at them.....every bastard who has ever shown contempt for me....tossed his head and said foul words to make me feel cheap, told me lies to get what he wanted, taken what was not freely given.
How can I know when I am practicing self-determination or when the conditioning of abuse endured is running the show?
Is my life worth it to me to do the work of healing?
Imploding. Tonight grief crashed in waves so fierce I could not stay on my feet.
