I hear that those who have bipolar tend to get manic during the warmer months. That has not been my pattern...maybe later, in the summer. But springtime ushers in the ache of depression. I'm not alone in this, I know. I've talked to others. The PTSD is worse as well...whether related to BP or therapy...I don't know. Nights are the hardest so I write what I feel and see:
Walls feel tighter every day,
falling in downward spirals,
losing hope.
Holding my head in my hands;
nights get darker, like the breath of winter,
chilling with the ghosts screeching from the closet….
Going crazy, going crazy, going crazy
a little more each day.
Push the ghosts away but they never stop coming….
flashbacks trapping me in this room.
Walls squeezing air from my lungs.
Loss of breath as breath breezes my neck
kicking and screaming throwing blankets to the floor
till the room is empty, airless.
Sitting crumpled on my knees in cold reality.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
3 Devastating Hours
They were finally gone. I crawled to the shower. I sat in that shower, with the water pouring blood down the drain...desperately trying to feel nothing. I whispered, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - over and over and over again. I wanted him to show up, pick me up and take care of me. I didn't see him until four days later. He didn't live with us anymore. An abusive drug addict brother, a valium-ed up Mom...dealers who thought I was payday....all packaged into a nice suburban neighborhood.
By the time I saw my Dad, I had already firmly locked myself away from hope.
By the time I saw my Dad, I had already firmly locked myself away from hope.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Terrifying Memories
Surprised in the night. Woken and raped. Held down and hit. 15 years old. Many nights over. Please God, get these pictures out of my mind!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Time for a break
I've just about reached my limit. It's time for a break.
Rather than wait until I've reached critical mass...I'm planning a personal retreat. I've finally realized that a short trip away to a peaceful place is much nicer and MUCH LESS EXPENSIVE than a stay at Presbyterian Hospital.
It makes me feel guilty and weak to have to admit that I don't have the same capacity to handle stress that I used to. Or, maybe the real issue is that I don't have the same capacity to hide the breakdown like I used to. What I once would have considered frivolous has become a mandatory part of self-care. I absolutely cannot take care of my children if I go crazy and the last thing they need is for mom to unexpectedly disappear for a week or two.
Rather than wait until I've reached critical mass...I'm planning a personal retreat. I've finally realized that a short trip away to a peaceful place is much nicer and MUCH LESS EXPENSIVE than a stay at Presbyterian Hospital.
It makes me feel guilty and weak to have to admit that I don't have the same capacity to handle stress that I used to. Or, maybe the real issue is that I don't have the same capacity to hide the breakdown like I used to. What I once would have considered frivolous has become a mandatory part of self-care. I absolutely cannot take care of my children if I go crazy and the last thing they need is for mom to unexpectedly disappear for a week or two.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Friday Night
House quiet, drinking detox tea, hoping it will cleanse the poison from my soul. Neck aches. Hate myself. Impatient with everything. Restless, energized but unfocused, sad, little, alone, overwhelmed, exhausted.
I want to ask for myself back. I believe this is not who I was supposed to be. I've seen too much of the other side to believe this is who I was created to be. I want better. I am afraid in this moment that it's not possible. I am weary of the poison identity.
I want to hurt myself just so I can feel something else. Mute screaming. Not panic, just a girl looking for a fight. I don't want to be soothed in this moment. I want to spit back at them.....every bastard who has ever shown contempt for me....tossed his head and said foul words to make me feel cheap, told me lies to get what he wanted, taken what was not freely given.
How can I know when I am practicing self-determination or when the conditioning of abuse endured is running the show?
Is my life worth it to me to do the work of healing?
Imploding. Tonight grief crashed in waves so fierce I could not stay on my feet.
I want to ask for myself back. I believe this is not who I was supposed to be. I've seen too much of the other side to believe this is who I was created to be. I want better. I am afraid in this moment that it's not possible. I am weary of the poison identity.
I want to hurt myself just so I can feel something else. Mute screaming. Not panic, just a girl looking for a fight. I don't want to be soothed in this moment. I want to spit back at them.....every bastard who has ever shown contempt for me....tossed his head and said foul words to make me feel cheap, told me lies to get what he wanted, taken what was not freely given.
How can I know when I am practicing self-determination or when the conditioning of abuse endured is running the show?
Is my life worth it to me to do the work of healing?
Imploding. Tonight grief crashed in waves so fierce I could not stay on my feet.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Withdrawal
This is day 17 of significantly reduced doses of psychiatric medication. It's a very bumpy ride, but I must admit, I feel more alive than I have in a long time. There is definitely nausea, dizziness, irritability, hot/cold flashes,etc...which just strengthens my resolve to get off as much of this crap as I can.
Most of the anti-psychotic meds we are placed on cause weight gain and eventually, metabolic syndrome. On this medication, my life can be shortened by as much as 20 years due to side effects.
Of course,this surge toward holistic health must be tempered against the very real risk of death by suicide. It is estimated that 1 in 4 with Bipolar disorder will attempt suicide and as many as 1 in 10 individuals with Bipolar I will successfully complete a suicide attempt.
My goal is to heal my body and mind physically while using healthier coping skills for life's ups and downs. My hope is to one day be free of the meds completely. I don't know if that is realistic this side of heaven. I have a disease. It may require medication for the rest of my life.
Most of the anti-psychotic meds we are placed on cause weight gain and eventually, metabolic syndrome. On this medication, my life can be shortened by as much as 20 years due to side effects.
Of course,this surge toward holistic health must be tempered against the very real risk of death by suicide. It is estimated that 1 in 4 with Bipolar disorder will attempt suicide and as many as 1 in 10 individuals with Bipolar I will successfully complete a suicide attempt.
My goal is to heal my body and mind physically while using healthier coping skills for life's ups and downs. My hope is to one day be free of the meds completely. I don't know if that is realistic this side of heaven. I have a disease. It may require medication for the rest of my life.
Eliminating foods that are working against me.
I cannot heal my mind if I'm not willing to do the hard work involved in healing my body. This includes all of the nutrient-poor foods that I LOVE to consume. I am not going to use the term "can't eat". Because....well.... I can if I want too.
I'm making a choice.
The most toxic foods for my mind are: processed sugar, wheat, rye, barley, corn, soy,and rancid, over-processed oils... also some forms of dairy foods. I can do lactose free milk, hard cheeses and certain yogurts.
Some trivia: Sugar was brought to Europe from the East in the 1100's as a drug, kept under lock and key by apothecaries. Called "crack" in France, it was well-known for its addictive properties. It was the emerging slave trade that gave us sugar more quickly and cheaply than ever before. Addiction, greed and slavery are the legacy of my beloved sugar.
The list may seem long, however, the list of what I do choose to eat is much longer! All veggies, all fruits, local honey(for my allegies), lean meats, fish, eggs, select dairy, gluten-free pasta, rice, quinoa....and more.
I'm making a choice.
The most toxic foods for my mind are: processed sugar, wheat, rye, barley, corn, soy,and rancid, over-processed oils... also some forms of dairy foods. I can do lactose free milk, hard cheeses and certain yogurts.
Some trivia: Sugar was brought to Europe from the East in the 1100's as a drug, kept under lock and key by apothecaries. Called "crack" in France, it was well-known for its addictive properties. It was the emerging slave trade that gave us sugar more quickly and cheaply than ever before. Addiction, greed and slavery are the legacy of my beloved sugar.
The list may seem long, however, the list of what I do choose to eat is much longer! All veggies, all fruits, local honey(for my allegies), lean meats, fish, eggs, select dairy, gluten-free pasta, rice, quinoa....and more.
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